Goblins and Cooking
by VampireApple
Summary: "Funny thing that you should mention that, Sarah, because I need a good cook. Or a good wife. Which ever you prefer," Jareth stated. JS, response to jesus-is-my-homie's challenge on Deviantart.
1. Proposal

This is the second story I've written in response to jesus-is-my-homie's challenge in Deviantart.

jesus-is-my-homie. /#/d2v2f1j

Just take out the spaces.

Disclaimer: I don't own Labyrinth

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If there was one thing Sarah loved more than acting it was baking. She was very good at it as well, for which her family was very grateful. No one else could cook. Karen once set the kitchen sink on fire.

Part of Sarah's skills came from self-preservation.

On a particular morning in July breakfast was going unusually well for Sarah. The bacon was nice and crisp; the hash browns turned the perfect shade of brown; the waffles were flawlessly fluffy.

Her family sat at the kitchen table, smelling her wonderful food while talking amongst themselves. Sarah worked in the kitchen, ridiculously pleased with how superbly her meal was forming.

Sarah, spatula in hand, pumped her arms in the air and exclaimed in happiness "Good goblins I love to cook!"

There was no warning at all. One heartbeat Sarah was standing cheerfully in front of the stove then next she was spinning around to face the terrifyingly familiar voice.

"Funny thing that you should mention that, Sarah, because I need a good cook. Or a good wife. Whichever you prefer," Jareth stated, leaning against the kitchen's wall.

Sarah stated at him in open mouth shock. "What... who... what?"

Jareth straitened, smirk growing. "Really Sarah, its only been five years." He leaned in closer. "Now, tell me precious, which would you like, to be my wife or my cook?"

"All I said was 'good goblins, I love to cook.' Why are you here?" She lifted the spatula she was holding threateningly.

"Exactly. Since you are dragging your feet, I'll decide for you. You shall be my wife. Come, we will be married in three hours."

The rest of Sarah's family stared in shocked horror as the strange man grabbed Sarah and they both proofed in a shower of glitter.


	2. Choas

Karen, Robert and Toby sat in the kitchen staring at the spot Sarah had just been. They didn't have long to process before the house was flooded with goblins. They spirited away the gob smacked family to Underground for the wedding of Kingy and Queen.

Over all, Sarah's family took being kidnapped by mythical magical creatures very well. Karen went gone into a comatose state due to shock. Her eyes were wide opened, and her mouth kept opening and closing. She docilely did whatever someone told her to do. Robert was convinced everything was some sort of movie set and was poking everything and asking how it worked. Toby was having a grand time. The goblins were funny, and there were so many new things to learn about

The goblins had wanted to dress the family in official goblin military ware for the wedding. Toby was enthusiastic, Karen was not in a mental state to object and Robert was doubtful that he would fit.

Then a general goblin decided that it wouldn't be appropriate for non-goblin, non-military members to wear official goblin military dress. Toby threw a fit and was allowed to wear the uniform. Karen was dressed in old window drapes. Robert was given an empty ale barrel with suspenders to hold it up.

The wedding was chaos. Or maybe it wasn't the wedding; it might have been the reception. It was hard to tell.

Most of the kingdom was in the throne room, or so it seemed. Sarah and the strange man were arguing about power, finances and foreign policy. Toby had a wonderful time, and even snuck a sip of Goblin beer. He threw up on a fairy, then went to eat twice as much food. Robert started to get the idea that this maybe, this might not, this could possibly not be a movie set. Karen fainted. The goblins propped her up on some straw. Chickens settled on her.

After hours Underground the goblins took the family back to their house. All three of them were unconscious. The goblins piled them in the master bathroom tub, called it a job well done and left.

AN: I have reservations about up-dating this story after so long (two and a half years, anyone?). Also, don't want to get your hopes up, but there might possible be a third chapter, with Sarah and Jareth. Hopefully it won't be another two years, but who knows. I just hope ya'll enjoy it.


	3. Bargain

Sarah choked on the glitter in the air.

"What is wrong with you!" she demanded of Jareth, waving the spatula at him.

He shrugged. "You made the offer."

"No, I didn't, you're delusional and-" she finally realized where she was. A bedroom, probably his bedroom. "I'll be the cook!"

"In the Goblins Kingdom."

"Yes."

"For goblins."

"Yes."

"In a goblin kitchen."

"… yes?"

They stared at each other, Jareth smirking and Sarah thinking furiously.

"Fine, but I want at least half the power, complete control over finances, and redecorating, and… um, foreign policy stuff."

Jareth looked offended. "What's wrong with my décor?"

Sarah didn't say anything.

"Fine, I'll hand over decorating to you, but nothing."

"Why?"

"Because this is a Kingdom. I'm the King. I rule."

Sarah turned and walked through the closest door, a closet.

"Not that way, precious."

Sarah stomped across the room to another door. It led to the bathroom.

"Looking for something?" he asked politely.

"The kitchen!"

Jareth waved his hand and she coughed due to glitter again. When she could draw a breath she realized she was in the kitchen. Mostly likely. A medieval one. A really old medieval one. Goblins surrounded her, all chattering in -she was guessing- excitement.

"Enough!" All the goblins froze. "You," she pointed a group of them with her spatula "go find all the cleaning supplies in the castle and bring it all back here as fast as you can. You," she pointed to another group "find all the food that you can and bring it back here. And the rest of you, get all this crap outta here!"

Within an hour Sarah had the kitchen in a state she deemed 'cooking worthy'. She made strew that smelled and tasted good, so she counted that as a win. She didn't notice when Jareth came in, too focused on her work.

Jareth would never admit it to anyone, but he felt a moment of fear when he came down to the kitchens. Sarah had done an almost impossible feat in such a short amount of time, and she looked happy! He wanted a wife, not a cook! Happiness was not acceptable. Well, happiness while she was not his wife. She could cook and be his wife and be happy…

He walked over to stand behind her.

"Alright," he said, which scared her, and made her jump and almost hit him in the face with that dratted spatula. Luckily he had awesome dodging skills and continued with aplomb "you can have at least half the power. Would you be willing to negotiate specifics during the wedding?"

Sarah gave him a considering look. "Fine, but I want everything written down and signed in blood."

Jareth blinked. "What will that do?"

"Dunno, but its much more dramatic that way."

He had to agree.

Sarah enjoyed her wedding. It was complete chaos, but arguing with Jareth was fun, and she was very satisfied with the results of their agreement. She did plan on wheedling more out of him later. She also thought it was nice of her family to come. Although she had to wonder what Karen was thinking wearing… whatever it was she was wearing. She laughed at her father who never drank, but was drunk enough to wear a barrel. Toby's outfit was cute, if really dirty looking.

Sarah was definitely going to enjoy her new life.

(((((*)))))

So, here it is the last of it! Hope ya'll enjoyed! Their wedding chapter on Valentine 's Day.

If you're looking for more of the same, I wrote another fic for the same prompt, Goblins, and its stand alone sequel Redecorating. And I think I'll have another Labyrinth Crack!fic coming out in the next week or so. Done with shameless plugs.

Love ya'll!


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